Would I Ever Feel Better Again?

Around this time last year, I remember lying on the couch, my hair still wet from the shower wondering if I would ever feel well again. I had rolled out of bed at an extremely early hour to make the 1.5 hour commute to my new job and stumbled down to the shower. My stomach was turning the whole time, I was thirsty, I was exhausted. When I stepped out of the shower, I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I started throwing up.

At that point, I told my husband that I was going to stay home sick and he asked if I would call the doctor yet. I responded that yes, I would call when the office opened in two hours. He kissed me goodbye and left for his new job.

When my alarm went off two hours later, I considered just turning it off and sleeping more. But I called the doctor’s office, luckily they had an opening in 30 minutes. When I got up to go change I realized that there was no way I would be able to drive feeling like I was, so I called my mother-in-law who hopped in the car and picked me up with no questions asked. In the waiting room, she asked me how long I’d been sick and was shocked to hear it had been days. We’d gone to a family movie and dinner with my husband’s extended family and in the craziness of the family dinner, I couldn’t choke down more than half of my chicken sandwich and felt like I was going to throw up the entire time. We’d kept the fact that I felt sick a secret because we didn’t want anyone getting suspicious that I might be pregnant, especially since we thought I might be too.

I’d lost 30 pounds and we hadn’t really noticed because of dedicating more than 12 hours of our days to working and commuting to work. I noticed that I was down a lot when the nurse put me on the scale and let out a breath and said, “Honey, you’re down a lot from January.” While I waited for the doctor, I noticed how thirsty I felt and that my lips were dry. I wanted water and Chapstick. I wanted to lay down.

80 = Large Ketones. 160 = Supersized Ketones

The rest of my day was a whirlwind of peeing in a cup, being handed a diagnosis of diabetes, being sent straight to the hospital, admitting, calling my husband, calling my boss, calling my mom, being hooked up to a heart monitor and only being allowed to have liquids before they realized that they were giving me sugary liquids. More of the story is here.

At this point last year, my life was in utter turmoil. I was sick, incredibly sick. I was stressed, overwhelmed and then my dad lost his battle with cancer a few days later. I was trying to grieve for my father, fight for my health and become myself again.

I know that in the diabetes community, people celebrate their “diaversaries” in some manner. They celebrate living successfully with this condition and they treat it a little like a birthday party.

I can’t do that. I can’t celebrate this. At least not now.

I’m happy to be alive. I’m thankful that I fought my way back to health sooner rather than later. But just because a year has gone by since I asked the doctor, “What type of diabetes do I have?” And he responded with surprise, “You’re type 1” doesn’t mean I’m ready to celebrate a year of being a person with diabetes.

It’s no secret that I am much, much healthier with diabetes than I was before, I’ve also met many supportive people and gained a lot of knowledge about overall wellness. But I’m not ready to party on August 11th.

It’s been a year. I fought through a year. And I plan to fight through many more.

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About Probably Rachel

PR professional and social media enthusiast, blogging about life, marriage, coffee and type 1 diabetes. You can follow me on Twitter also @ProbablyRachel

Posted on August 11, 2012, in My Life, Type 1 Diabetes and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. Don’t feel like you’re somehow obligated to celebrate this day or this particular time in your life. It was doubly difficult for you considering your father’s passing as well (I offer my belated sympathies on that). In time, maybe you’ll celebrate years of living, which is different than celebrating anniversaries of diagnosis. But in over 30 years, I’ve never celebrated any date relating to my diabetes… and I’m perfectly OK with that.

  2. Well Rachel, you’ve come a long way in only a year. And to be honest, I’ve only really ever thought about my “Diaversary” once in the 37 years i’ve had it and that was on my 37th year. and that was really only because a cure was mentioned and i figured i had been waiting a REALLY long time for that. And there was no party, no dinner out, not even a cupcake. Just a thought really, passing through my head.

  3. You deserve a congratulations. Congratulations on treating yourself well and taking this disease head on rather than smothering it. No need to celebrate such a life changing event if you do not wish, but congratulations because it’s hard and you’re succeeding.

  4. I have had T1 for 1 & 1/2 years. I so vividly remember feeling sicker than I have ever been in my entire life, feeling like and coming very close to death. I remember the first time I read about someone “celebrating” & and wondering “why in the heck would someone celebrate this”. Yes we survived, yes we are healthier than probably any other time in our lives, but celebrate, I just couldn’t imagine. But the day came and I decided since I had sPent that day 1 year prior in the ER & then ICU I would do something nice for myself and went and got a pedicure. You went through a terrible experience, do something nice for yourself. But if you aren’t ready yet I respect & understand that.

  5. I don’t celebrate. But I do remember. And, my dx was not near as traumatic as yours. And, part of my memories include my dad being ill, also…
    I’m glad you’re doing okay!

  6. You don’t have to celebrate your diaversary this year if it doesn’t feel right to you. But you should celebrate the fact that you have done amazing things to fight your way back to health (as you put it so greatly) this year.

  7. I have had D for over 40 years. I literally have NEVER celebrated my diaversary!!!

  8. I think there are some people who just like to party and so they’ll take any reason to do so! 🙂 I never feel like celebrating either, though in my case it’s my daughter (age 11) who has type 1. In Sep, it will be 4 years and we’ve never celebrated. I’m glad that others can but I’m not there yet. Though life has been much better since she started pumping almost 3 years ago.

  9. my diaversary was on the 13th, and i didn’t celebrate either. things have been pretty rough lately, and even though it’s been 19 years, i was rather mad at diabetes.

    sometimes we feel like celebrating, and sometimes we don’t. remember that you’re never alone. ❤

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